Thinking Of Him
by SpikesFanGirl
Summary: Companion to "Thoughts of Kagome" .... Kagome thinks of Her Hanyou-- sometimes funny, sometimes angry, and never ever, proper. Rated Higher for possible bad language and bad thoughts....New Chapter!
1. Protection

A/N: Read and Review. ... Please? I'm still trying to get the hang of Kagome! Ja Ne!  
  
~~~  
  
Smothering. I don't know why I want to describe it that way. the way you are to me. the .... intense stares, the way you protect me, it's smothering. Not in a bad way though. Not like I'm going to die..... or anything like that.  
  
How are you so hard to pin in place with a description? Overwhelming, annoying, pesky, proud, simple, complex.... insane. and I can't get enough. I feel hollow and empty and ..... alone without you. I sound sappy and disgusting, and I hate myself a little for loving you. For knowing you'll never look at me that way.... with your heart longing for me....  
  
and sometimes you say things. things that make me think you feel something for me. and then I remember -- that I'm not a person to you. I'm not supposed to feel things, I am a thing. I find things you want. I'm a servant-- I'm a bitch, and your shard detector.  
  
But I can't ignore how right your hand feels in mine-- or how you fight better when you think you lost me.... or how my heart beats a little faster when you're closer to me.... and how I love it when we argue.  
  
.....sometimes we take it too far. saying things that hurt. I don't think you realize it-- but you hold my heart in your hand-- and you crush it, all the time--  
  
I remember once, you held me close, right before you sent me home. so close..... I got your blood on my uniform.... and.... I could have died happy. I could have been.... so..... right, if you had meant .... if you had felt everything that I had felt in that moment.... and it was ruined. and my heart was crushed again. I could have died-- of embarrassment. but it was wrong. the whole situation felt... wrong. you .... weren't protecting me anymore.... you left-- and I felt so ... I was honestly scared.... not knowing if you were dead, or alive.... or....  
  
just seeing you is enough to keep me sated. But I can dream of more..... 


	2. Plan

A/N: the Song is "Unsung" by Vanessa Carlton. I love it. I got her CD today, and it's what got me thinking like Kagome, or at least I hope so. *nods* It's not my best work, it switches between thoughts and action... so sorry about that.... *shrugs* I couldn't think of a good way to do that... Review, let me know what I could do better. :) Ja Ne!  
  
~~  
  
Another morning of getting ready for a week in the feudal era. Another week of tantrums.... another week of monsters and fits being pitched by him. My mind rolls over the thoughts of dealing with another week of him yelling and emotional abuse from Inu Yasha. The fights and the running and the biting comments from his end. I turn on the radio in my room as I pack another week's worth of spare clothes and soap.  
  
'If only I could get into that corner of your head, where things finally match and meet the standards that you set....'  
  
the words invaded my head as I continued to pack. I thought about how Inu Yasha kept everything inside of his head-- kept his emotions to himself, kept his past and his feelings for Kikyo, and where she fell in his life.... in his heart, locked inside. 'What I wouldn't give to see what he thinks about....'  
  
'Oh how I wish I was the treasure that you were lookin' for, bet I would feel better if I could find the door....'  
  
His treasure. 'That damn jewel.' I felt myself frown inwardly as I found myself wishing that he could simply care for me as much as that damn thing. So I couldn't make his wishes come true, so what? So, I'm not as good as a little ball of pure energy. Well too bad. 'I want out.' I sat myself down on my bed and angrily folded my arms across my chest. 'I'm not going back, and I'm not going to find those stupid shards. I'm not going to be a 'thing' anymore.' I felt tears begin to streak down my face.  
  
'I am cryin', you aren't tryin', I am melting away....'  
  
You aren't trying. You don't try and make me feel like someone..... except when you held me so close... that one time when you sealed the well.... but it was odd. you pulled me so close, and then pushed me so hard away....  
  
'I wait for the words on the tip of your tongue, I'm only as good as the last one....'  
  
Dammit. You would say that. You'd say that I wasn't as good as her. You'd say that to my face, and you'd mean it... you'd mean every second of it, with all of your heart, and there would be no taking it back-- you'd try after I began to cry, but I know deep down inside that I'm not as good as her.  
  
'Well you decide and I abide, as my song goes unsung.....'  
  
and you say it, and I just go with it. I move on, accepting apology after apology. No more. How many times can I let you hurt me like this? How long must I ignore how I feel?  
  
'Things are goin' crazy and I'm not sure who to blame everything is changing and I do not feel the same....'  
  
Everything is out of hand.... traveling back and forth-- more than that-- how I feel for you. my emotions swing so violently when I'm with you, and I feel like I should tell you that it's your fault, but somehow I know it's not-- I look into your eyes and nothing is your fault.... and I let you have that kind of control over me....  
  
'I'm slipping through the cracks of floors I thought were strong, I'm tryin' to find a place where I can feel like I belong.....'  
  
Here, there? I don't know. I only feel right when I'm with you. that's why I hate you. because you took my life and turned it upside down.... took my heart and claimed it as your own, I have to wonder how many other girls you have strung along-- not that you're that type, you're just charming in an obnoxious way, I know there must be a plethora of girls who follow you like puppy dogs when they see you-- how can they not?  
  
'If I could be the lesson that you learn, you learn if only I could be the last one that love burns, it burns.....'  
  
Yeah, If I could, I'd teach you a thing or two about how to treat a girl. If I could, if I had that power over you, you'd understand what it felt like to be stung by a broken heart-- to be consumed and to be spurned. Like me. you'd understand me.... so much better.  
  
as the song finishes, repeating the chorus, I feel strength in my heart, and my feelings... in my actions that I'm slowly planning out in my head. I thoughtlessly plod down the stairs to gather some ramen for the following week, I count the seconds until he unceremoniously opens the door and yells for me to come.  
  
That's when my plan will come into action. 


	3. Hate

A/N: Okay, after uploading onto FF.net for a while now, and apparently it doesn't like my one liner openings to my fics. *Shrugs* i'm a bad girl, and so I'm putting this here so maybe the fic will upload so all of you people can tell me what you think!! Ja Ne!  
  
~~  
  
why.  
  
why do I have to live this way-- live this way with you. with someone I can't hate, but god if I loved you-- I'd die. maybe that's why I'm so.... angry all the time-- angry with you. angry with everyone.... because I can't.  
  
you're someone between emotions in my heart. How much simpler this would be if I could just let myself hate you-- but I can't. I can't hate the way you smile, or the way you hold me close after you've saved me-- or how you argue about me leaving-- because you're afraid I won't come back--  
  
but-- the way you can't let her go. the way I'm always going to be second best, that's what stings. and I hate myself for it, but I think of you-- even when I'm at home, and I'm alone... it's you I'm worrying about back in the feudal era. I know you can protect yourself.... better than the lot of them-- but I'm missing you. I'm dying a little from being away from you.... the deep musky smell of your haori.... the rumbling purr you emit when your ears are rubbed..... and how you hate to see me cry--  
  
I love the way you want to protect me all the time-- and how you make my heart beat a little faster when you hold my hand I love how.....  
  
how faithful you are to your promises. even though it means you'll end up with her, and not me. I love the way you save people even though you say you hate them-- how you lie about how I smell.... and I know it's not me. I know I shouldn't make you choose, so I just keep all the reasons I love you inside--  
  
away from you... 


	4. Triangles

A/N: This chapter is actually written for, and dedicated to, my faithful reviewer lilemmy. She's really good about reading my stories, and she gave me the idea to write about inu's ears. I'm always willing to hear your ideas, and you'll get credit for them-- so thank you lilemmy!! Oh-- and i've been having problems uploading onto FF.net, so if there's a long time between chapters, that's why. It's not my fault, honest! Ja ne!  
  
~~  
  
Triangles.  
  
Two very innocent looking triangles perched at the top of your snowy white hair. I remember when I first saw you, and my first impulse, which I obeyed, was to rub them.... like I do to my cat at home. I rubbed them until the urge finally subsided.  
  
What you don't know is that I still want to .... most of the time .... you'll start to yell at me, and I'll just stop listening... to the angry words that come out of your mouth... everything seems to be spoken in a harsh and rough tone....  
  
and slowly I'm carried off to a special place as I imagine that your arms are around my waist and that I'm rubbing them , gently, feeling the velvety texture underneath my skin, feeling the low rumble roll through your chest. I don't ever want to let you go. To lose the feeling smooth, short hairs caressing the sensitive skin on my finger tips... my eyes begin to droop from the relaxing reverie I've indulged in...  
  
then you yell and call me bitch, and I'm right back where I was, and you're glaring at me for not paying attention to you when you're talking.... and i probably should feel worse about not paying attention, it could be important what you're saying to me, but ....  
  
How can I? All I see is your fuzzy triangles when you get angry. 


	5. Charm

A/N: Sorry If I'm making Kagome too Angsty. I'm angsty, so i sorta... channel it. *growls defensively* I'm sorry, but even if I'm writing crappy on this one, it's my baby, and you'd REALLY have to prove yourself to take it over. Not that I'm giving it up or anything... *sighs* It's mine. My PRECIOUS-s-s-s-s! Ja Ne! _;;  
  
~~~  
  
You aren't charming.  
  
You aren't a sweet talker, you're not kind, or polite or even romantic. I hate the way you fight all the time, I hate how you love to kill. I hate how all you think about is yourself..... I hate how you act all noble all the time, but you're not. You're not anything that I wanted.  
  
Then why are you what I want?  
  
Why do I keep coming back to the fights, and the pointless arguments, where I end up hurting you to get my way. Why do I love the way your hair frames your face gently. Or why do I find myself loving the way you call me 'Wench' when we're alone? Why do I comfort you when I know... when I know that you're only thinking about being a full demon. That me, and my feelings, and my life, never enter your thoughts.  
  
Why do you feel the need to protect me-- from everything. Even things that won't kill me... you're trying to keep me pure.... maybe so I'm more like her. I don't know....  
  
No. it's not about her. Ever since you first said my name-- it's never been about her. It's been about us. about me. you saw me. saw that I was useful, saw that I was good enough to help. I wasn't perfect, but I was okay-- and....  
  
I guess that's enough for now. 


	6. Distracted

Here I am, in my twenty first century classroom, taking my twenty first century tests and books and teacher.... and all I can think about is you. The way you move when you fight, our little... okay, our HUGE arguments... and how you hate to see me cry. I think you said it was because the tears bothered your nose.  
  
What a lame cop-out.  
  
You. My fourteenth century hanyou. Fully equipped with claws, fangs, super powers, and long flowing white hair... and amber eyes that seem to stare right into your mind..... reading every thought.... hypnotizing and luring.... without even knowing it....  
  
and then there's your attitude..... That attitude. What could infuriate me more than the way you automatically assume that you're right, and you know best and... Ooooh. I could just... and then.... and that's usually when I yell at you. And you yell back, and then I yell louder, and you call me a bitch or a wench, or something, and then.... then I.... I subdue you....  
  
and I've realized, that in life, we have choices. Everyone. Mom, Granpa, Souta.... You. And when you and I get to yelling... and we're arguing about me coming back to my time, or some other rubbish that I'm right about- - I have two choices on how to stop this insane, and one sided, argument..... I can subdue you, or kiss you.  
  
I'd like the latter better, but the first one .... is the one I always choose.... because it's never right. Never the right moment. I can't end an argument with you by kissing you-- that something that Miroku or someone would do.... not me. Not like I'm perverted like that... sheesh.  
  
But it always makes me smile-- how you always seem well meaning-- but nothing quite goes your way, and you begin to throw a fit like a child, and I'm so sorry, but I have to do it. I can't have you believing that simply pitching a childish fit is going to fix anything, because if anything, it makes life worse. And I have to reprimand you.... for your behavior.....  
  
My pencil taps against my desk in a steady beat..... almost hypnotizing my mind.... Delightfully as it scampers through several ideas of how to punish you.... I quickly pull myself from that arena of thought.... scolding myself for my lack of control.  
  
Shame on me.  
  
Maybe Inuyasha could punish me.....  
  
~~~~  
  
A/N: So i made Kagome Day dream. I figured, she seems innocent, right? And being a seemingly innocent girl myself, i gave a little insight into what it is. Then again, Kagome could be perfectly innocent.... but something tells me she isn't quite the little sissy we all make her out to be. Sure, she hates bugs, but c'mon, so do I! Ja ne! 


	7. Life

All my life, it's been the ultimate epitome of love, to die for someone. To into a battle to protect them, and know that they'll most likely die.... That's what they always showed in the movies. That's what I was always told. .... that you'd give your life, that would be the ultimate sacrifice....  
  
But when I met you, I learned that it wasn't all about death. It wasn't just going into a loosing battle bravely, for the one you loved... just as much as it is romantic to die for someone, I think it's twice as romantic to live for them.  
  
It sounds sort of cliche, I know. I can imagine some sappy Fabio creep with his shirt half unbuttoned pulling some slutty heroine to his rather defined chest and whispering gently into her ear 'I'll come back.... I'll live, for you.' and it just sounds... stupid. Sappy, and just... not what any girl should have in mind for what they want. And it totally misses the mark-- of us.  
  
How many times have you been so close to death, and... and I just screamed over and over again in my head that I want you to live, I wanted you to keep breathing. I wanted you to come back into this world, where you'd be submitted to more torment and more brutal beatings, and more stupid fights and .... more pain. I wanted you to come back to the pain. i can feel the tears well a little longer as i pray to anyone who happens to be listening. 'Please.... Just a little longer, just for me.'  
  
and as soon as you're well again ...you rush off into battle, to protect me, because it's what you give. And that's the way you show you care .... by protecting them, to give up your life for them.... to die for them. But every time you rush in to battle once again. I long. I long for what I can't have. your life. I want you to give up your life for me. The arguments... the violence, and the attitude ...the battles and the blood.... the wandering-- everything. ....  
  
I want to be your reason to live.  
  
~~ A/N: Too sappy? Too Angsty? Too melodramatic? Psh. I don't care. It's unrequited love. What do I care? Hope you enjoyed. :) Ja Ne? 


	8. Stay

A/N: Guess who tried their hardest to make this over 500 words? Me! And w/o the Authors note it's exactly 501 words. Great, eh? Anyway, Um. *nods* I hope you like it.... I've been a little off my game lately. So sorry for the lack of updates. Please Review, oh, and feel free to leave ideas.  
  
~~~  
  
fight fight fight.  
  
We contantly bicker over the stupidest of things. Like if I can go home or not. Really it's not your choice whether i return to my own time. Oh, and there was that one time when we fought about how crispy you wanted your ramen. That was just insane. How was i supposed to know you liked them soggy? Sometimes they're important things, like whether we should spend (you say waste) the time to bury a village of people who have been slaughtered or not. And I wish I could explain myself to you, so i could help you understand... understand me a little better. So you could see what i thought, and maybe you could .... comprimise? But at all the important times it feels like my mouth isn't working right.... and.... I can't say what I mean.All the words get jumbled up inside of my brain, and the words come out... in their simplest forms.....and I say... things harshly. Blunt, and rude. and i'm above that. I'm better than that.  
  
Then why do you bring me down so fast? Normally I can control how I act, but when i'm around you, i re-act. It's like some kind of weird knee-jerk reaction... . And i'm not used to the way you act yet.... can you believe after all this time it still shocks me how you're acting? I'm not used to someone caring so much that they'd physically stop me from doing what they don't want me to.... I'm not used to someone defending me so... adamantly. But i'd be lying if i said i don't love you for it. For the way you make me stop thinking, though it's slightly... not good for us....because then we fight.... and sometimes it is.....  
  
If i had any brains in my thick skull, i wouldn't love you as much as I do. I wouldn't trust you as much as I do..... wouldn't reach out to touch your hand, or leap at you, into your arms..... if i had any brains we wouldn't argue so much.If I had any brains I wouldn't keep coming back. I wouldn't keep subjecting myself to the fact that you see me as a friend.... i'd finally understand and I'd stop breaking my heart every time you leave camp suspciously..... I think.... if i was smart.... I wouldn't leave so often....  
  
you know, i don't like leaving anymore than you do. But, there are things in life.... sometimes you have to.... that's all crap. Trite words with no real meaning, over used, grey and worn from the years of giving excuses. There's a fact in all of it though. I don't want to leave. Don't want to go.... to be away.... but i have to get supplies, and your precious ramen.... and part of me... needs to be away, away from you. I hate those days.... but i think they help me appreciate you more.  
  
But-- you know... i'd stay if you only just asked. 


	9. Alone

**A/n: So I know I haven't written in a while, but a lot has happened in my life lately. I got married and i moved and... i start a new job soon. But I felt bad for neglecting my prose. I haven't gotten to see any Inuyasha lately. I haven't been able to watch any new AMVs either, so... sue me. Um. Yeah. Hope you enjoy. Please review. Ja Ne?!**

****  
  
before.... before all of this happened. before they came along... there was... us. Just us.  
  
I remember being alone with you in silence. sweet silence. i remember that when you spoke to me i heard nothing else-- and i didn't show it. i sometimes wish that i had taken advantage of that time with you. the time when the earth stood still and there was no one to interrupt us. my heart screams out again for that time. for when we were alone. when i could have reached out and touched your face, without a snide comment from our fellow travelers. i deeply long for those times.  
  
time makes fools of us all, i suppose.... but no more than our friends do. i so desperately long for the silence around our campfire we once had. When our eyes would momentarily lock, only for a brief moment-- betraying only a little what was in my heart. I couldn't help loving you. Your quirky little attributes. the way your ears twitched as you got more and more angry. i don't think you know it but your eyes become more honey colored as you start to fall asleep. I miss watching you fall asleep.  
  
Everyone would notice that I couldn't keep my eyes off of you if i watched you fall asleep now... I suspect they know i love you still. sometimes i think that i've hidden it well, but i suppose it's only from you.... i could probably blatantly tell you that i'm in love with you, and you still wouldn't see ... wouldn't understand.  
  
I don't really understand.


End file.
